Merriam-Webster defines intuition as: a natural ability or power that makes it possible to know something without any proof or evidence : a feeling that guides a person to act a certain way without fully understanding why.
I define intuition as a knowing that goes beyond our mortal knowledge.
Merriam-Webster defines Magnetization as: an instance of magnetizing or the state of being magnetized; also : the degree to which a body is magnetized. I define magnetization as the ability to draw or create circumstances, events or experiences in our life through our thoughts, feelings, actions, fears and purpose.
Oh Lord, What did that Child Say?
As a child, my intuition was fierce. It became scarey as I learned to hone my skills as an adult and more importantly to trust myself. I am not sure I have ever truly learned to understand this aspect of my being. I have learned really to simply allow it’s existence without too much questioning of it. I have learned to not confuse my subconscious with my intuition. They are two separate and distinct animals whose paths do not need to cross.
Why does any of this matter? Well to many it does not, but lately, I have had something come up that is making me think just a little harder than usual. I was recently diagnosed with severe macular degeneration. I am 52, an artist and a designer. It means I will slowly go blind. As a human being, this shook me to my core. As a healer, it shook me to my core. As a conscious spiritual being, it is making me think.
I know I was not a normal child. As a young girl, summers were spent out doors, and my favorite place to be was under a wonderful weeping willow tree that my father had planted. As it grew, it supplied me with a perfect hiding place. Always within earshot of a parent, it allowed me to be close and invisible at the same time. I began meditating when I was about 8 years old. At the time I did not know I was meditating, but now, I look back with the knowledge that I knew how to meditate without help or guidance. It was my favorite and most natural state. I spent many wonderful hours under that tree and one of the recurring worries I had (I had few worries really) was that I would go blind. I would carefully practice at night being blind. Shutting my eyes, or tying a shirt around my head, I worked very hard to ensure I could see nothing, and then I tried to learn how to walk without seeing. How to remember where everything was without being able to see it. I did this on and off for several years. I am not a person prone to fear really, but I had an obsession with being prepared for blindness.
Severe Macular Degeneration becomes a reality
The day I came home from the diagnosis I was shocked beyond belief. My voice went monotone, I could barely communicate and yes I cried a great deal. Life had never been easy, but the thought of losing both my livelyhood and my sight at the same time was overwhelming. I knew I had time, but I didn’t know how long. There doesnt seem to be much to forestall this except for a single supplement that can sometimes stall the degeneration, and in some cases, actually begin to regenerate the damage. Yes of course I ordered it the same day. But still I was in shock. Turns out, so are the people I shared it with. But that is another story.
Day two – still in shock – finally aware I was in shock, I had a family event the next day, I needed to pull myself back together, but it was hard. The night before when I shared this with the man I had been seeing for five months, he pulled back so badly that it simply exasperated my shock and pain. I simply existed for a few days, trying not to feel anything too much as I attempted to regain my balance and perspective.
Day four – well I was doing quite a bit better. I could think about it without crying. I could put my hands on my eyes without breaking down and getting exceedingly depressed. I had the realization that only one eye was advancing quickly, and even if I lost sight in one eye, I would still be able to see and although it would be different, I would still have sight for another 30 years potentially. This helped me to truly be able to relax and accept the possibility. I was able to meditate and think and was becoming more myself again, which of course meant I was ready to deal with knowledge of my past. I was sitting calling upon God to please help me to ignite my spirit into my soul so that I could be more me and understand how to get on top of this thing. A little spark of memory had me truly seeing myself as a child practicing for just this potential. I had forgotten this part of myself.
Ok God, What Just Happened Here?
I really began to question God – what happened here – Did my fears manifest this through the years of my life? Did I draw this to me through the odd obsession I had as a child, or was it like it usually is, me having a bit of information I would need and I had no idea how I knew it. God suggested I relax. I personally love God’s sense of humor. It was not a simple task by any stretch of the imagination. I tried of course. I am accustomed to failure as a learning process.
It took me a few more days and a few more conversations with what I realized were my true friends (I really didn’t think friends would freak out and drop me with a diagnosis, but it happens, and I love them still). As I look at the experience, I am not sure it matters if it is magnetization or intuition. As a mathematician I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge it is probably both. However, with the incredible insightful intuition i wield on this planet, I believe most people would know where I was leaning. My amazing God given gift of intuition.
Intuition as a Curse of Existence
I used to think of my intuition as a curse. A horrible affliction that gave me information people did not feel I should ever have. A knowing of where someone’s deepest pain was – a pain I didn’t even know about till I spoke and they started crying or getting upset in front of me. By sixteen I tried everything in my power to repress it. I became volatile and angry, but I was able to send it to the dream state where is existed in perfection until I carried my second child whose intuition rivals my own in a wonderful and freaky way. She blew the lid off of my repression and I was full blown and operating again (Thank you Sami from the bottom of my very large heart) whether I liked it or not. At the age of 24 I was thrust onto my path and back into my spiritual life and a realtionship with God and the Masters that will take me until the end of my days.
It took another 15 years ago to truly begin to trust my intuition more fully and to use it as the gift it always was. It is the most handy tool in my arsenal as a healer in getting past the lies people tell themselves and others. I can still get to the heart of a problem quickly and easily thanks to the spirit and gifts God bestowed upon me.
So back to my eyes, my children sometimes used to refer to me as blindy – not to be cruel but because I not only could not see well, but I am prone to walking around without my glasses. Being without my glasses leave me legally blind (yes there is a number and no you do not have to be blind to be called legally blind – yup truth!). I still have to hand packages to them in the store to read the contents because the type is way to small. However, years ago, when I was working on my powerfully reoccurring sinus infections, my eyes, which had needed glasses no longer needed them. I did not focus on the eyes, I simply held my hands over the sinuses in my face and forehead and because my eyes were in the middle, my vision got progressively better over the course of a year or so.
I will need to work hard if I am to succeed in both arresting this and repairing it. I cannot let it go in any fashion, I must be more dedicated to this than even my meditations. I have work to do, God put me here with a purpose, and I need my eyes to obtain that purpose – at least for now. So, with my usual bulldogged determination, I approach this life long knowledge with some measure of hope and more importantly a plan of action. Was it intuition decades ago which has helped prepare me for this potential eventuality? Was it simply a magnetization of a childhood fear that brought this to my door. I know that it doesn’t really matter which came first. What matters is my faith and my unwavering knowledge that this too will be alright. Oh yeah, and I see ghosts too.