Reasons I was rejected on OurTime.com this week
After about a decade of sexless marriage followed by almost 9 years as a single parent, I began to feel like maybe I was not getting all my needs met. Not only do I have no one to help paint my very large Victorian porch, I was finding the loneliness of a life unshared to be a little more unbearable than I had ever thought I would. I had met a few men, nothing ever lead anywhere, and frankly I was too damaged to take anyone up on any offer that came my way.
Having aged sufficiently and tried other online dating sites in the past that I could never get into enough to talk to anyone, I signed up on OurTime.com. In offline life, I was getting offers from men younger, but honestly at my age, I need a little more than most younger men can offer. I need someone who has actually experienced life and has a certain amount of wisdom and social grace. I do not now nor did I ever need a bad boy. I like nice men. I thought I might find more mature settled individuals here than anywhere else.
As a Transpersonal Counselor, I learned long ago to look far beyond the surface. So as I look through all the wonderful men who are signed up, I am not looking at their stats, I am looking at their eyes – I am looking at their souls, and I am wading through it all to find what I am looking for – a really nice man who can deal with where I am in life. No, I am not actually sure where that is – which is why the man needs to be special.
I was not prepared for what I would get. I barely dated – I was more relationship oriented, and I honestly have barely dated. I don’t know what to ask, I don’t know what to say, I can only be me. It is the only thing I know. Honesty, Compassion, Empathy, Humor, Intelligence, Humor, Too much Honesty.
I found that not everyone was looking deeper. I don’t blame them, we are all where we are and there are no wrong steps in this life. I have no problem with being rejected, and I have had to do some hard rejecting. I do not ever want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me, and I really want to eventually find the man I am truly meant to be with, and so I kind of feel like you have to spend a little more than a few texts to see if someone is really right for you. So I was actually trying to get to know each of these men in the little time and exposure as we had.
Now don’t get me wrong, I have met some truly lovely men. I am blessed. There are some amazing men and a few have actually looked more than once, and that feels very good after being alone for so long. But honestly, I have been taken aback by some of the reasons the conversations stop and for some reason I really wanted to share them:
1. My breasts are too large.
Listen nothing personal here – I was shocked when he asked I really was, but dedicated to honesty, I answered honestly. I don’t even consider them that large – but apparently he did – he told me he would be unable to meet me for coffee because he had just never to his knowledge seen breasts my size (42D I am no small girl), and would not want to see me. Now I do not really care – it is the fact that in the last two weeks he has looked at my profile 11 more times since telling me I had too much breast to meet.
2. When asked when to meet – I asked what would work for them since my schedule was my own.
I really was just trying to figure out what our schedules were and I really do work for myself, so..
3. I like the Kinks
Not everyone American loves the British Invasion – and he knew Ayn Rand too.. now I knew we weren’t going to ride off into the sunset together – but our minds really meshed – a lot – until of course I told him I liked the Kinks. Hello –in the sixties and into eighties the Davies boys helped fuel the passion for British rock. The Who will always be kick ass in my mind, and I still mourn the loss of the albums from the first marriage that I could never afford to replace but the Kinks were fun and interesting and helped form the music that lead to the other great bands.. Is it my favorite band? Oh hell no – not even the top ten.. did I think it would stop things entirely? No I did not. Clearly he was a purist. A really smart funny philosophical purist.. SIGH… looking for friends.. SIGH…
4. I asked what he did
He had amazingly intense eyes, I knew whatever he was doing in life he had a passion for – you could see it in his eyes, and so it was with interest only as to what those eyes did every day.. I didn’t care about what he made..
5. I said I was sometimes shy on the first meeting
HONESTY!! If he really was as drawn to me as he said he was, he couldn’t work through a little shyness for a few minutes? It made me sad for him. It really did.
6. I told someone my confidence as a woman had been shaken.
They wanted to know why I had waited so long to date – what would keep a woman not dating or in a relationship? Well after this winter – maybe snow, but eight years – well normally only something big keeps someone off market for that long..
7. I figured out he was a scammer
He loved me from my profile – he hoped I would immediately stop talking to anyone because I was the girl for him if I would just let him prove it to me. Never had so many red flags gone off before. I was pretty sure he was a scammer – but he proved it to me himself when I told him his story was suspicious he told me I was clearly unbalanced and didn’t appreciate true love. Ten minutes later he flirted with me under a different profile with different information and the same pictures. Reported him immediately and got him kicked off both profiles.
8. I asked what rank in the army he was – another scammer
Scam me once, shame on you, scam me twice.. well, dad was in the FBI, so I have some game here. He was 58 stationed in Afghanistan in the army. Median age is like 28 there.. and mostly only highly highly commissioned officers are that age – so I asked him his rank.. Boom.. he ran.. Yes, I reported him too..
I am not shocked because I think everyone should want to date me – I do not. Honestly, if I meet one nice man I can be friends with, I am good, anything else is just gravy after that. But I take it from the perspective of surface versus depth. I am not sure I can actually get to know anyone after a few messages back and forth, it is only in a real life situation where people truly interact can we get to know someone. So to me it is about getting to an actual meeting, not if this is the person I am going to spend my life with. If we are so deeply guarded and not wanting to be honest, how can anyone get to actually know anyone. I mean what are we really looking for and what are we willing to invest?
Any relationship that is valuable takes time, and yes, we can sometimes instantly know that is not the right person, and yes, as a metaphysician I am also doing a little research on human nature, but I wonder what people really think love is, and how they expect to find it when they are unable to be vulnerable or be honest or hear honesty. Vulnerability, honesty and trust are the most important aspects of building any relationship be it romantic, friendship or familial. Without it, true intimacy cannot exist, and without intimacy, well then you have surface..
So, trust me, I am ok with rejection – especially when it is for a surface reason because I want something so much deeper than surface.