Was I born to Sadness?
I have spent a great deal of my life depressed. It took me into my forties to figure that one out, but when I did figure it out it was a little freeing. I was mostly an optimistic person through a majority of my life. I could normally figure a way through any problem. I maintained this air of gumption. It didn’t matter to me if life were hard, it was just a challenge to get through the obstacle course of my life. I loved a challenge.
A Broken Heart – A Very Real Thing
I hit a spell in life, it comprised about 7 years of difficulty that had made the previous 42 years feel like a vacation. After years of propelling myself through every difficulty, every challenge, every danger, I hit that proverbial wall and one straw broke that camels back and I found myself absolutely shattered. Every difficulty, every pain, every trauma caught up with me with a vengeance and the person I had known and loved as myself was gone. I was adrift for years. I still am. It was as I dealt with this that I truly came to understand that despite the absolute optimism and spirit, that I had been severely depressed for most of my life.
A Broken Heart- Embracing My Pain – What Would a Healer Do?
I had a healing/counselling practice for over 10 years when I shattered. I had worked with countless people and what I knew of the human field was that if a heart shattered, most people did not heal if they did not deal deeply with the problem at hand. I had seen countless good amazing people change and become bitter and closed as a result of a broken heart. As a healer I knew that with a broken heart, my work, my purpose was forever changed, and even though I might not have much of a heart anymore, I swore I would heal.
I embraced my pain. That is not a light sentence. I decided I was embracing my pain – all of it. I had not lived a simple life, and I am no victim, but when we choose to live by God’s will, well we become an instrument and God had never been shy from showing me the depths of human depravity. It is necessary to understand humanity if we are ever to assist in the true evolution of the species. So, out of absolute selfishness and need, I was embracing my pain & my very broken heart no matter what.
Embracing Pain – Holy Crap Does it Really Hurt That Much?
Why yes, actually it does. There are reasons why we all shut down our heart to function. It is because a broken heart really does hurt a great deal. We push it away, others encourage us to get over it, move on. I looked at the heart of everyone who told me it was time to move on, and I decided with great surety that I was doing the right thing for me. Most of those people had no clue what it was like to truly love and I felt as such their opinion was exactly that. A simple opinion and everyone has one. Still, I embraced my pain.
In my practice I found many people in order to maintain function would partition off their pain, hide their triggers and feel like they had addressed the issue. I never saw this as healing, I considered it avoidance. I recognized it from my own defense mechanisms, and I knew it quite plainly from the people I treated. I worked a great deal with decompartmentalizing people in order that their past emotions, traumas and experiences could be integrated and truly healed. What was too hard for them to handle, I transformed with my own heart, which allowed them to move forward more quickly without the baggage. I took this knowledge with me as I decided to embark on this endeavor. I greatly underestimated the difficulty of doing this on my own without someone to transform what was too hard for me to bear.
Healing a Broken Heart by Embracing My Pain
I felt everything. I cried more tears than I thought any eye could cry. I still cry. I was hard to deal with, I was angry, I was hurt, I was betrayed, I was vulnerable, I was annoying. I drove people away with my constant moods. I could be triggered and crying at the drop of a hat. Still, I felt everything. It was my mantra. I will feel everything.
I have a core group of people who truly love me. These people know me deeply, value the truth of whom I am, and stand by me as a friend no matter what. This core group of people knew what I had been through, knew my intention, and decided to stand at the edge of the fire and hope not to be burned as I went through this process. I can be intense on my calmest day, but I can safely say they may all be a little singed, but for the most part made it through. I am forever grateful for these people, without whom I could never write this article.
I Healed by Embracing My Pain
So, what did I learn from my pain project? While it has been and continues to be the hardest thing I have ever tried to do, it is also the most rewarding. Some days if I focus, I can feel my heart again. I started my healing/counseling practice back up two years ago and I get to remember how much I love working with people. Some days I laugh and it feels weird to hear it echo through my usually very quiet house.
I learned that we can absolutely salvage a broken heart. It takes patience, diligence, and a level of dedication I was afraid most days I did not have. My life is far from perfect. It is difficult, I am late on my car payment this month, two girls in college, the startup never goes as quickly as I would like and the guy I thought I was seeing hasn’t called in three days.
In spite of all that, my heart functions. I am not bitter, I might not have as much hope as I once did for myself, but I have it for others again and that is a heck of a start. I know it is early days yet, I am told I have over 50 more years on this planet, but I figure If I could get my heart through that hell and still function, can still feel love, can still give love, can still share with an open heart, well, then the pain was worth it. It hurt to go through, it still does, but to know I will always have the one thing that allowed me self respect – my heart, well all I can say is be courage and feel that pain. See who really loves you as you feel that pain, and if you embrace it, no matter how deep it is, you will get through, because we are held in our pain and we are not alone when we decide to embrace our pain to heal our hearts.
Hardest thing ever no doubt, but I could not find a better present for myself.